he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
