careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
