i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
