I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
