My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
