I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
