I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize