I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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