dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
