Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
