Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
the day after is always just damage control
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
