11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He has the fingertips of a God
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
