I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
