Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
