We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
