Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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