I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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