Ambien. No doubt about it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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