My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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