oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
