thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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