so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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