planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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