She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
