I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
