I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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