my phone needs a breathalizer
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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