i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
