I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
