I just cut my nipple shaving
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
