Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
A bitchslap is in order.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
