I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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