my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
