She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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