I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
