my phone needs a breathalizer
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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