Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
