This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
