There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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