cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
