i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
