??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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