My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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