I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.