i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.