the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.