Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices