Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
