ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
