Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
