If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
