Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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