just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
