ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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