I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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