There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
