I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Well I just put wine in my tea
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think my moral compass just broke
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