Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
