His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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