Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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