He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
